Friday, 6 July 2007

The Wan Way To Feng Shui Your Home

1) There should be no shoes or slippers lying around outside the main door of your house. Remove it if you can. Allow that space at the main door to be free and clear.

Remember that when you live in a hot and humid place like the Klang valley and people don't wear socks, your feet will fail you.

The chi (energy) rides with the wind and will collect all the smell of those shoes and slippers into your house causing sickness. Like as if you never knew?

Ch’i then travels about in your house looking for water to stay but if there are no water fountains or fish tanks, then the Ch’i will be dispersed by wind.

And now you know why they have those battery of water taps outside mosques, right?

Feng shui has the answer for everything.

2) There should be no television sets in your bedrooms: If you cannot get rid of that habit then after watching the television cover it with a plastic table cloth.

Remember it has to be plastic and not simply cloth.

Preferably the kind printed with giant roses or carnations and intertwining bamboo stalks. You can find the best supply off Batu Road.

Do it soon. But if you find that you are already waking up in the morning looking like Oprah Winfrey just had a fight with her hair stylist, it's too late.

I'm sorry.

This calamity has befallen many who underestimated the power of the idiot box. Or the wisdom I impart.

All I can say is ... serves you right, loh.

3) There should be no mirrors opposite your bed or at the side of your bed. Mirrors opposite the bed can attract a third party to the relationship.

Or a fourth. Add more mirrors and it becomes pretty kinky ... you know what I mean?

Therefore, do not place mirrors anywhere you like and especially in your bedroom.

Bad hair days will feel like Armageddon.

4) Place an indoor water fountain in your home, position in a favourable area to attract whatever you want in your life.

It's great if you like mosquitoes. Just don't turn on the pump.

5) If you already have a fish tank in your house, be careful. A fish tank placed correctly can bring about greater fortune, as you will tap on the "Divine Water Dragon's Den".

But if you tap wrongly, it can cause you to have lawsuits, bankruptcy, work pressure, troubles and problems.

Tap dancing in the vicinity is not advisable.

The fish won't breed and death will be imminent.

If you noticed any lawsuits, bankruptcy, work pressure, troubles and problems after placing the fish tank for approximately four months, shift your fish tank to another location.

Better yet, leave town. But before you do, sign the property over to me and you will soon be prosperous again.

6) In your kitchen, ensure that opposite your stove there is no refrigerator, washing machine, washbasin and toilet.

The fire and water crash causing family members to have disagreements.

It's better to just get back to the basics. So just go shopping for a scrub-board, some buckets and pails, and drink your brandy neat.

Oh for the good old days of yore when life was more carefree, liao.

7) Try not to allow children to sleep on mattresses on the floor.

Yes, this allows young children not to fall off beds but it also causes young children to fall sick frequently.

Remember the curse of the smelly feet? They are closer to the source, woh.

Another reason is: chi is not able to flow underneath the bed.

Your guess as to why it would wish to flow under your bed is as good as mine.

Ideally, chi should circulate around the mattress where our children sleep to allow them to be healthy.

If you want them to grow up to become WWF champions, leave out the mattress.

8) For young children, try to have their back to the wall when they write. It is important there should be a solid wall behind a children's writing table.

This prepares them for adulthood and the conniving world of corporate skullduggery.

The habit also allows the child to have support so that he can sit there and study longer rather than for only half an hour and then they tend to move about because there is no solid wall behind their back.

Adjust your writing table. Then, do the hokey-pokey.

9) Do not allow children to sleep on double bunk beds even if it means saving space.

The child sleeping underneath will not have "fresh chi" and so his health might be weak.

'Fresh chi', therefore is like pasteurised milk. Not too much though or bed-wetting may occur.

But if due to space constraints, then monitor your child's health if not add in a metal 6 rods wind chime or a crystal sphere, to break up the "stale chi" around his bed.

"Stale chi" is like butter. Yak's butter. Only Tibetan monks can deal with it.

10) Your bed should always have a solid wall behind you. This is important if you wish to have a good rest.

Especially since you won't lose your pillows that easily.

A solid wall also means that you can go into deeper sleep and therefore enabling you to have good rest so that when you wake up in the morning, you will feel fresh and well rested. This also allows you to be able to concentrate on your work better.

If you're uneployed or in between jobs, maybe get more pillows.

11) There should be no beam on top of your bed.

The beam above causes chi to be pressured thus enabling you to have pressures in life.

It's more oppressive if you have a fertile imagination.

Therefore, don't place furniture underneath it.

Alternatively, you can level the beam. But make sure if you choose the latter, it is important that you have enough height for that space.

If you had problems with growth hormones, I'm sorry I can't help you there.

You'll have to call Nate Berkus from the Oprah Winfrey Show.

12) If you have a lot of work pressure, maybe it's the marble table that you have in your dinning room that causes you to have those problems.

Remove that marble table and change to a wooden one or alternatively live with that work pressure!

I'd suggest you lose your marbles -- it's really more fun.

13) If your child usually falls sick in that bedroom: Then either change them to another bedroom or simply hang a six rod metal wind chime as the metal element will break all the earth energies in that room.

After hanging, if the wind could not do the job for you then you will have to "chime" it yourself and then watch for the good results.

(Or even try hanging the kid.)

Alternatively try a good collection of House music. Deep house.

This is feng tao for feng shui.

More bang for your buck, more kicks for your kids.

14) Do not use a red sofa set: The colour red represent the element of fire. And for Feng Shui, some places simply cannot have the colour red in that sector.

Seriously, this ain't bull!

For example: the wealth area or some other sectors which without a Feng Shui check would be unable to tell you where it is.

A red sofa sets gives rise to heavy work pressure, troubles and obstacles.

But it's a welcome acquisition on heavy-flow days.

15) Always open your bedroom windows at least once 20 minutes a day to allow fresh chi to come in.

We do this so that it allows fresh new chi from outside to come into your bedroom, if not you will be sleeping with stale chi every night.

If you sleep near the door, or even on the door-mat - well scroll up to Item #1, take note and take the necessary precautions.

If you sleep with "stale chi", then how can you expect your life to bring in more good fortune to come to you?

So open that window and never mind if dusts comes in!

Living with asthma is not as bad as living with bad luck.

The great good fortune that you can have will far exceeds the time you take to clean off the dust.

Or, to reach for your nebulizer.

Now take a deep breath .... and change your life, you unlucky bastard, you!

Saturday, 23 June 2007

My Story

My name is Lillian.

Lillian Wan Ah Fek.

If I had been born a boy, my Chinese name would have been Ah Pek.

And the Western one may have been ... err, ... Chef?

You've probably heard of that rather obese looking thang who pretends to know what I really know ... she calls herself Lillian, too.

Well, we will ignore her. Even if her hair might be bigger than my hairy ass.

I stumbled into the Oriental art of knowing where to put things by accident.

Or perhaps I should say: I stumbled by accident into the Oriental art of knowing where to put things.

Actually, I tripped.

It was a bad one. I should sue my pusher.

Shortly after that I began to see stars.

They flocked to my humble little store where I sold water features and plastic beads.

The beads I got my Nepali sugar-baby to smuggle in during his leave from work at our condo.

And no, he's not a cleaner. He's an S & S consultant.

Security and Surveillance.

I love tanned, tawny young men whose eyebrows meet. Don't you?

The water features I proffer at my humble store come with an optional flush. Quite eco-friendly actually.

Anyway ... do let me get back to my favourite subject. All about me.

I was born at an early age to a single mother. This was in a small new village on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur.

There were reports that Jaclyn d/o Joshua Thanaraj Victor's family lived near my birthplace.

But you know how people wanting to be famous try to associate themselves with those who came before them?

The whole celebrity thing ... it's sick. I try to avoid it. So I don't reveal too much about myself.

Mystery is good. Especially in my line.

Who I am. What I do. How I do it. Who asks me to do it.

Those are questions I am constantly asked.

Remember. I am not Paris Hilton. Inmate # 1898713.

My life is not a hotel chain - to be checked into, and have my towels taken.

No, Sireee.

So I will end here, and continue when the time feels right.

Stay posted. I have much to share.